An Open Letter...

 An Open Letter...

October 10, 2020

I woke up from a dream today, another one that you had to be a part of, and I wonder at what point do you become a distant memory? While I’m unfazed usually by the content of those dreams, sometimes I get angry again. Angry because I’m not sure why any of this happened to me. I think back to how I felt like I was never a priority to you. It was never about how I’d feel or how I felt, just only what you wanted to do or could justify for yourself. I can only hope that in my next relationship the loyalty of that person runs deeper than the surface. I always think about the anxiety that I had, walking on eggshells around you and your uncertainty. Was today a good day, a day that you saw me differently, a day you realized how much you loved me? Or was today a bad day, a day you encountered something else besides me and knew the love you didn’t have for me? You always told me something was missing, this spark, those butterflies, and the more you said it, the more I realized I didn’t have them either. Instead things got hard, harder than it felt like they needed to be, but I was always hopeful for a better day. It’s hard loving someone who won’t receive it, someone who takes it for granted. I know I wasn't perfect in all my efforts, but honestly I don’t think I deserved your lack of effort. Your lack of honesty, loyalty, and consideration for my heart in the end, I didn’t know the person standing in front of me. I knew at some point you changed, but I never thought I’d ever face you in that way. All those nights, waiting for you to come home but then at the same time hating even being in your presence was baffling to me. You were cold, distant, and to some degree disrespectful. I never understood why you treated me that way. It made me angry how you chose yourself or someone else over me, every single time. I didn’t understand what I had done, how my shortcomings, or flaws warranted such an unloved feeling. 

Thankfully this cycle was vicious and I had learned to love me anyways. I knew that I was worth so much more, but I was always willing to take what you had to offer. In the end, I like to think you got everything you wanted. Maybe you’re happier, maybe you’ve found someone better suited at loving you. The prayer I always pray for you is that you become the man that God created you to be. I pray that you find the love you’ve always been looking for. I pray a lot of things for you, but I think this may be my last prayer. As I’ve continued to move forward, I feel like my obligation to you is done. I’m no longer obligated to wishing you well or praying the best for you, although I do, it’s just not my prayer anymore. My prayer now has been for God to mold me into the woman that I was created to be and pray for the man he’s molding someone to be for me. I pray that God matches or exceeds my honesty, my loyalty, and my love. I’m thankful for the lesson you have been in how I love another. I am thankful to have loved and at some point been loved. 

With love, AW

Press Play: DUST by Kwaku Asante