Loving You Always Peanut

Loving You Always Peanut

October 1, 2020

Waking up to read about Chrissy Teigen & John Legends losing their son made me feel so triggered. I suffered a miscarriage a year ago and it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve experienced aside from losing my Dad. I call my blessing Peanut because it was still just the size of a peanut. But for such a little thing, it brought so much joy, even if it was temporary. We were so excited and were already making so many plans. When this happened, I’m not sure the people in my life understood the loss I felt, but I also wasn’t sure if I could justify it. Some people are kind enough to say Happy Mother’s day, but most times I feel conflicted. Like, maybe I didn’t really lose anything but the idea of something I really wanted...compared to what Chrissy Teigen, John Legend, and so many others had lost and experienced, maybe my experience wasn’t equally the same? My heart flutters a little bit when the people around me bring new life into this world, it’s exciting. I can only imagine what Peanut would’ve been like, almost two years old now. I’m probably the only one who still thinks of you, I mean rightfully so, I loved you the moment the tests turned pink and could feel even the smallest changes within my body. Last year before my Dad passed, my mom said that she had a dream of you, and your Grandfather together at peace. You were a girl and my heart smiles because I know you are probably nothing but spoiled by that man. One day I’ll be blessed enough to be someone’s mother, but until then, I cherish the few moments I had with you. 

With love, AW

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