Maybe It's ME, not you.

Maybe It’s ME, not you.

November 18, 2020

I’m a giver. Meaning I can give my love, time, attention, and even gifts to those I care about in abundance. I work hard to be present for others, even if they aren’t for me. Sometimes I question the quality of my own commitment  to ensure I’m hopefully serving as an essential part of someone else's life. Be it in the form of a good laugh, an optimistic energy, an unapologetic truth, or a shoulder to lean on. I don’t ever wish to impose the way I feel or my own opinion on someone else’s. If I can, I honestly hope that we can agree to disagree because I respect that we may not understand each other or have the same understanding. I may not support or agree with the choices of those around me, but it’s hard for me not to be there for them. I know what it’s like to be an impossible situation because of your own choices and feeling as though there isn’t anyone who may understand. I hope to not ever make any feel less than because of any decision that they make, right or wrong. I’d only hope that they’ll learn from any choice they make, the same way I did when I made choices of my own.  This always brings me back to what a friend of mine once told me, to stop looking for myself in others, hoping they’d consider or treat me the same in which I do them. 

I know what it’s like to be misunderstood. I’m sure well all do. But I’ve been feeling it pretty heavy lately. Sometimes when I speak I don’t feel heard because I’m constantly repeating myself or being told I never said that. It’s frustrating because the same people expect the same undivided attention or commitment from me. So I feel unbalanced in some of my relationships, as though I’m constantly giving or considering, only to be told I’m doing the complete opposite. That I can be selfish, impatient, or shitty. But in most cases, it’s when I make a decision for myself without the agreed support of them. Which is why I think I get so lost in others' energy because I second guess personal decisions I make for myself based on how it may affect someone else or how they may feel. To be honest, there are few people in my life who serve a genuine purpose to me, meaning I feel fulfilled in that relationship, there is an equated consideration of each other. I can’t serve everyone and their opinions, I have no intention of continuing doing so. I am less reluctant to remove myself from a situation that does not give me peace or an unsettled heart because I refuse to continue to compromise myself out of consideration of another person constantly and consistently. Love in any form is an unconditional act, I don’t do things for others to ultimately receive anything in return, but some situations you have to love from afar. 

“Recognize the people loving you. Know the people who can’t. Have grace for the ones who just don’t know how.” - Rob Hill Sr. 

With love, AW

Press Play: Regular People by Mahalia ft. Hamzaa and Lucky Daye